5.09.2009
Tired
I'm tired of waiting.
I'm tired of expecting something big and getting nothing.
I'm tired of having more bills than I have money.
I'm tired of wondering what the one thing is that will turn this around.
I'm tired of thinking that God has a purpose when the only thing I've seen is frustration.
I'm tired of hoping that tomorrow will be different than today.
I'm tired of wishing that I was somewhere else.
I'm tired of missing people that live much too far away and not being able to see them.
I'm tired of driving a car that I can't fix.
I'm tired of tryiing to pour out when I'm already empty.
I'm tired of everyone telling me its going to be okay. It's not.
I'm tired of being dependent.
I'm tired of begging God to do something, anything, and hearing nothing back.
I'm tired of carrying this load.
I'm tired of crying more in the last 6 months than in my entire life.
I'm tired of life.
I'm tired.
posted by Beth @ 2:35 AM   0 comments
1.26.2009
A Change in Perspective
For the last month, I have been living at home, with my parents. For the last month, I have been looking for a job. For the last month, I have been begging God to do something about my situation. I have been frustrated and discouraged. I have wondered why God always seems to take so long. When someone tells me they are going to do something, I expect it to get done in a relatively short amount of time- i.e. my time table.
But God doesn't really care what my time table is. For all of this time, I have been looking at my circumstances. I can see what is going on around me and (most obviously), what isn't. Looking at my cirsumstances has left me tired and depressed. And while I don't want to pretend that it isn't happening and that my life is perfect and that I'm not going through a difficult time, I think I need to change my focus. It's hard to 'step into the supernatural' when your eyes are stuck looking at the natural.
God is the same whether or not I have a job. He's still faithful, He's still awesome and He doesn't love me any less because of circumstance. In the natural, there are a lot of things that I don't think I can do. Even the things that I can do, I don't think that I'm particularly exceptional at them. But those big dreams that God has for me- I'm pretty sure that in order for me to reach them, I have to change my focus. Instead of being distracted by the series of unfortunate events that has defined the last few months of my life, I have to choose to look up.
I've gotten a lot of encouragement from a lot of people that I know and respect. I know that I am not in this alone. (I also know that even if I wanted to give up, those closest to me would probably kick my butt anyway- but that's not the point of this blog). While it's awesome to have that support system in place (everyone should have a cheering section as big as mine lol) no one else can make my decisions for me. No one else can change my focus. No one else knows what thoughts go through my head when something else happens that adds to my list of woes.
This is not a particularly well thought out, eloquent, deep post... more like a disjointed train of thought, but I'm being honest. I've been incredibly discouraged. I've cried more that I care to admit asking God to please please please DO something soon because I can't see anything changing and it's disheartening.
But God is a God of the miraculous. He's never late (even though I always am) and He hasn't forgotten about me nor have I missed what He has in store for me. I'm in this position for better or for worse so that God will be glorified, no matter what. Whether or not I can SEE anything happening, it is. I believe that God is going to do what He said He would, whether or not I think I'm qualified. As uncomfortable as it makes me, it's usually the least qualified person that God uses, because they know that they aren't capable and His strength is made perfect in their weakness.
This is seriously all over the place so kudos to you for making it all the way through, whether or not any of it made sense. Give me a break, its the middle of the night! I honestly don't think that I've been able to put into words everything that has gone through my head this past weekend. This is why I am not a writer.
posted by Beth @ 12:36 AM   0 comments
1.04.2009
Ramblings
I think the last 6 months of my life have been the most insane ever. *EVER*

I graduated a year ago and worked part-time at The Printed Word for 6 months and then was promoted to Art Director. That's insane! I was challenged in ways I never thought I would be. I was blessed with new equipment and software. I had a say in the way that projects were carried out and their order of importance. I learned how to prioritize. I learned some of my strengths- I'm detail-oriented (to a fault almost), I know my way around the computer (but not excessively..), and I have a strong sense of design. I learned some of my weaknesses- I'm not always on time, I'm way too sarcastic, and... well... other than that I'm perfect.... but it was awesome to have a job that I was great at. I loved the administrative aspect of it. I loved being able to have input on other people's work and have them collaborate with me on my work. I loved being able to pay my bills! (Always a plus!)

And then everything changed. We had less work to do. Hours got cut. People got laid off. More hours got cut.... I got laid off. And while I knew it was coming, it was almost still a surprise. For months I had felt like God was getting me ready to move, I just didn't know where. I had started to dig up my resume, I was looking at jobs and apartments in other cities... I could feel it in my spirit that my time in Philadelphia was coming to a close. And then this happened, Within 2 weeks, I was living back in Utica. I never even had a chance to say goodbye to some of my closest friends there. It was as though God had ripped me out of there. I could have stayed. I certainly was offered a roof over my head by more than one person. But it just felt as though if I had, I would have struggled because I would have been doing it against what I KNEW to be what God wanted me to do. I've had some amazing prophetic words spoken to me by many different people recently. I have done everything I could do to not think of leaving Philly as being an Epic Failure. Part of my nature is to look at the situation and think that 'hey i wasn't good enough to make it there. There are too many people there who are better at this than I am." And then the part of me with common sense steps in and says 'no, this is what God wants... therefore... Epic Win!'

I know that God has great things in store for me. (people keep telling me this in a variety of ways lol) I think that I am only beginning to see the doors open. I feel as though I am on the cusp of something great and amazing. Something beyond what I thought I could do. It's a good thing that God has plans for us. I think He dreams bigger than we do because He sees where our strengths are and He knows how perfect He is in our weaknesses while we are too busy seeing those weaknesses and looking at our circumstances. Sometimes its hard to take our eyes off of what life has placed in front of us. It's as though I have one eye on the present that sees my bills and sees what I left in Philly, and I have one eye on what God has spoken to me and the blessings that are about to 'overtake me.' And yet even then, while I have faith for God to do what He said He would.... I'm still looking at the natural. I'm a work in progress I guess.

It's funny that a year ago, I was looking for a job and here I am again, looking for a job. Life comes full circle I guess. I miss Philly. Leaving there was the hardest thing I've ever done, even knowing that it was the right thing to do. I miss my family there and I am so glad that they are where they should be. I miss my church (and the piano!). I miss my life there. But I also know that I am so blessed to be where I am. Knowing without a shadow of a doubt that at this moment, I am right where God wants me to be.
posted by Beth @ 11:44 PM   2 comments
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Location: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, United States

I'm an overachieving, perfectionist workaholic. 'nuff said.
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"But I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ Jesus saved me for and wants me to be." Philippians 3:12
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